A friend of mine broke down from nowhere in the middle of shooting a recipe YouTube video. I passed her paper towels as I picked up her three-year-old, who was as shocked as I was. I had never seen this strong-willed woman cry before. After what seemed to be a mixture of sobbing and pouring out all her pent-up feelings, she finally opened up to me.
Her husband of five years had completely neglected her as soon as they brought their newborn son home. He moved out of their marital bed, came home late, and left early in the morning because he did not want to wake the baby.
My friend had concluded that she just wasn’t attractive to her husband anymore, and so she would have to accept a lonely marriage for the rest of her life.
The story you just read is fictional. But if you can relate to it, this blog post is for you.
Why do I feel lonely in marriage? (5 Causes)
Some reasons could make you feel lonely:
1. You are not having intimate conversations with your spouse!
I fell in love with my husband because we would talk about deep, intimate stuff for hours, and he loved it, or so I thought!
After some time together, he suddenly looked restless whenever I wanted a deep conversation. I suspected he didn’t want to listen to my boring stories, so I stopped sharing them.
One afternoon, about two years later, my husband and I were chilling, both of us on our phones, when I looked over at him, and this sadness washed over me.
We were so content not talking about deep stuff; we had become strangers. I started by holding back my stories and slowly moved to hold back the important stuff, and he did the same.
I thank God because had He not given us that revelation, I’m not sure we’d still be together.
Most husbands may not worry about deep conversations in marriage, but there is a danger when you cannot talk with your spouse.
For one, you could fall out of love because women love to talk, and they speak to the people they love. Secondly, if you happen to find a male friend who will listen to you keenly, you may develop romantic feelings for them.
Look back at your relationship and see if the lack of intimate conversations could be making you feel lonely. If that’s the case, I suggest you make some changes.
2. You don’t spend quality time together or have fun together.
You love the people you spend the most time with and love them even more if they make you happy.
Scheduling quality fun time together was a game changer for my marriage.
The day I looked at my husband and so a stranger in his place, I knew something had to change fast. I prayed quietly and immediately brought the issue up.
He agreed that he felt the distance between us, too. Our marriage had become more of a friendship without romance, thanks to our lack of quality time together.
We decided to have at least one night out every month, just the two of us. We have gone on to have a lunch date every week and make sure we spend a lot of ‘fun’ time together.
3. Your spouse does not meet your important needs.
In the book ‘His Needs Her Needs, ’ Dr Willard says, “Husbands’ and wives’ needs are so strong that when they’re not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside the marriage to satisfy them.”
Are there some things that your husband did in the past that made you feel loved and special? Is he still doing them?
After honeymoon, most couples stop doing the things they did to make each other fall in love. And as a result, the other spouse ends up feeling lonely.
4. You lack sexual intimacy in your marriage
Do not deny yourselves to each other, unless you first agree to do so for a while in order to spend your time in prayer; but then resume normal marital relations. In this way you will be kept from giving in to Satan’s temptation because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5 GNBUK
The Bible warns us against neglecting sexual needs because of the risk it poses in marriage.
Staying for too long without sexual relations with your spouse can lead to infidelity, no matter how strong your moral values. So don’t put you or your spouse to the test.
If you are having difficulty with sex for whatever reason, it’s important that you see a reputable psychologist or a sex therapist in your local area and get help as soon as possible.
5. You have poor communication in your marriage.
Without proper communication, you cannot share your needs or issues.
Learning how to express your needs and issues is very important for your marriage to thrive.
Therefore, this is one area you need to educate yourself about.
- You can learn how to communicate through:
- Observation – don’t repeat past mistakes
- Read a book on communication in marriage, for example, ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’ by Jon M. Gottman
- Attend a seminar on marriage communication. You can check with your church for available couple’s seminars.
How do I overcome loneliness in marriage?
1. Identify the main cause of loneliness.
You can involve the Holy Spirit by asking Him for guidance and wisdom through prayer.
Prayer example:
Holy Spirit, please help me identify the reasons for my loneliness in this marriage. Show my husband and me how to restore the love we once had and give us a cheerful heart as we learn to fulfill each other once again.
2. Identify things that make you resent your husband and share them with him if possible.
Example:
- He doesn’t provide for me financially. (Pray over the finances in your marriage)
- He is not affectionate with me. (Pray over your husband’s love for you)
- My husband despises and undermines me (Pray that your husband sees your value and treats you with love and respect)
3. Communicate your issue appropriately.
Being rude, critical, vulgar, and disrespectful may hinder communication between you and your spouse.
Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.
Ephesians 4:29 GNBUK
4. Be intentional when spending quality time with your spouse.
Do intimate things and have fun, intimate conversations.
5. Avoid distractions when having intimate time together.
For example, put your phones on. Do not disturb and avoid fantasizing.
6. Do mutually fulfilling things together.
For example, you can find activities you both enjoy and do them often.
How do I tell my husband I feel lonely?
When Queen Esther wanted to talk to her husband, the king, about a difficult conversation, she started by praying and fasting. Then, she held a banquet(a formal large meal) for her husband twice and presented her request on the second day, which was granted. (Read Esther chapter 4 to chapter 7)
Here is how you can let your husband know you are lonely:
1. Pray.
Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the right words at the right time.
Luke 12:12 NIV “for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.”
2. Find the appropriate time and setting to talk.
When the Holy Spirit leads you to communicate, find the right time, preferably when your spouse is well-rested and has no distractions.
3. Use neutral words and avoid criticism and accusing words.
How you communicate also matters. You need to approach your spouse in such a way that they will be open to listening to you.
4. Be patient and listen to his side of the story.
Whenever we are hurt, it’s tempting to put the entire blame on our spouses. But accusing your spouse will not get you far. Allow them to express their view of the issue and try to look at things from their perspective before you give your opinion.
5. Communicate honestly with love and respect.
Don’t lie or use vulgar words out of anger. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you self-control during this difficult conversation.
Bible verse to read when you are feeling lonely in marriage
Psalms 121:1-2 GNBUK
I look to the mountains; where will my help come from? My help will come from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
John 14:18 NIV
I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.
2 Chronicles 20:17 NIV
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.’ ”
Lamentations 3:22-24 NIV
Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore, I will wait for him.”
Powerful Prayer for when you feel lonely in marriage:
Dear Lord, thank you for your great love and sacrifice for me. I pray that you remind my heart how much you love me. I confess that I have felt alone and rejected because of my marriage. But You, Lord, are my present help in times of need. You have never left nor forsaken me. Please remind my heart of your love and goodness.
I confess that I have held on to resentment towards my husband because of the past, which has blinded me from seeing him clearly. Forgive me and cleanse me from my sin.
Show me my husband’s perspective and him mine.
I want the love in my marriage to be restored, but I cannot do it without you, Lord. I invite you to scrutinize our hearts and remove anything that is eating away our relationship.
Help us enjoy and fulfill each other. Help us serve each other and put one another’s priorities first. Where we have neglected each other’s needs, reveal it to us. Give us a cheerful heart when fulfilling each other’s needs, and let our love glorify you, Ooh Lord.
In Jesus’ Name, I pray.”
Start your marriage healing journey with a prayer journal
If you are struggling with your prayer life, I encourage you to get a prayer journal.
Jolt down your prayers daily; you will be surprised when you peruse back years later to find that most of your pressing matters were resolved. This by itself has strengthened my reliance on God multiple times.
If you have no idea where to start, I encourage you to start with our 21-day Printable Prayer Guide. It’s a short printable journal with prayer points, relating scripture and sample prayers to help you build a praying habit. Download the prayer guide here, print, and bind your workbook to get started.
FAQs
What is the lonely wife syndrome?
Lonely wife syndrome is not a formal diagnosis but rather a term used to describe the feelings of isolation and disconnection experienced by some married women. It can occur when a wife feels emotionally or physically neglected by her spouse, leading to feelings of loneliness within the marriage.
Is it normal to feel sad and lonely in a marriage?
Feeling sad and lonely in a marriage is not uncommon, and many couples experience periods of emotional distance or dissatisfaction. However, prolonged feelings of loneliness may indicate underlying issues in the marriage that need to be addressed.
How do I find peace in my lonely and unhappy marriage?
Finding peace in a lonely and unhappy marriage can be challenging, but it is possible with patience, communication, and self-reflection. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can also be beneficial in navigating difficult emotions and working towards resolution.
What are the signs of a lonely marriage?
Signs of a lonely marriage may include a lack of emotional connection, frequent arguments or disagreements, feeling unsupported or misunderstood by your spouse, and a sense of longing for deeper intimacy and connection. It’s important to recognize these signs and address them openly and honestly with your partner.